Losing touch

In this crazy world of endless opportunities to communicate and keep in touch, I have still been through a period in my life during which I lost touch with people who had been very important to me. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends and have been able to pick up the phone and chat with these people as if we only spoke last week.

When I reflected on my period of self-imposed exile, I realised I had seriously struggled with my sense of self throughout that time. I forgot who I was and what I liked to do. Somebody asked me recently, what really made me "buzz" or got me excited. I couldn't answer, and I felt really bemused by that - how had that happened? I used to have lots of hobbies, interests and opinions (that I wasn't afraid to voice). So whilst time apart from some friends can be freeing particularly if we have associates who coerce us into being something we don't want to be, for me this had a devastating effect. I became a shell of my former self. I like to consider myself as an autonomous being, but this started me thinking, how much of "being me" is dependent on my relationships with others? Now I'm ashamed to say that my contact with philosophy and psychology has been only fleeting, so I didn't plan to analyse myself in light of any particular school of thought, rather muse upon my experiences.

I thought back to friends I've loved and lost, and realised that over the years I perfected the art of gathering people close to me who were good for me. I'm sure I'm not alone in noting that during my younger years I kept in touch with people who had a toxic influence on my life. People who were overly critical, belittled my interests of values, and crippled me with self-doubt. However, once I got over 30, I started to have some confidence in my own values so that rather than ditch my beliefs to fit in, I'd ditch the "friends". This has led to an eclectic mix of people being counted amongst by greatest friends. This doesn't mean I avoid people who challenge me - what fun would that be?! I quite enjoy some lively debates with people I care about very much, but these days I agree to disagree when we reach an impasse.

However, it wouldn't work to have all my friends in one place at once. Most are very different from each other, and I realised I can be very different when I'm with each of them. I started to question whether I was still so desperate to please people and be liked, that maybe I didn't have any integrity as a person at all! Perhaps that's why it all fell apart when I lost touch with people? So my aims at the moment are to keep in touch with my wonderful friends, but schedule in some time for me too, doing things just for me. Coffee on my own, lunch out, swimming, writing. I don't want to lose touch with myself again, and next time somebody asks me what makes me buzz I want to be able to give them a happy, long list.